KittyCat Fun Pages: Kitty Jokes
For Cat Lovers
- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
- At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get
back to you.
- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present
and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it.
- Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.
- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow.
- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then
they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want.
- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior.
- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.
- One cat just leads to another.
- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well.
- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by
cats.
- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off me.
Sent in by
LunarCat
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
8:00 am- Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am- A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am- A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am- Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm- Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm- Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm- Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm- Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm- Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm- Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm- Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates
and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely
made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I
am. B@st@rds.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard
that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must
learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage..
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of
my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must
try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is
obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating
with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every
move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an
elevated cell, so he is safe. For now........
Sent in by
LunarCat
Hoe om 'n
kat 'n pil te gee
1. Plaas jou katjie in die buig van jou arm asof jy 'n Klein baba
vashou.
Sit jou regter wysvinger en duim aan beide Kant van sy snoetjie en
oefen versigtig druk uit, terwyl jy die pil in die ander hand
gereed hou.
Sodra jou katjie sy bekkie oop maak, gooi die pil in en gee die
katjie die geleentheid om dit af te sluk.
2. Soek die pil op die vloer en gaan haal die katjie agter die
bank uit.
Plaas die katjie weer in die ronding van jou arm en herhaal die
proses.
3. Gaan haal die blęrrie kat uit die slaapkamer en gooi die Nat
pil in die drom.
4. Neem 'n nuwe pil uit die dosie, plaas weer die kat in jou arm,
terwyl jy beide voorpote stewig vashou. Forseer sy kake oop en
druk die pil binne in sy mond met jou regter wysvinger. Hou die
kat se bek vir ten minste 10 tellings toe.
5. Haal die pil uit die visdam met die Klein netjie en gaan haal
die mal kat Bo van die kas af. Roep nou jou maat uit die tuin uit
om jou te kom help.
6. Kniel op die vloer en dwing die kat tussen jou knieë vas, neem
sy pootjies in 'n baie stewige greep, ignoreer die harde gegrom.
Laat jou maat die kat se kop ferm vashou en dwing sy bek oop met
'n hout liniaal..
Gooi die pil via die liniaal in sy bek in en vryf jou kat se keel
om sy slukproses aan te moedig.
7. Haal die bef@#$%^ kat van die gordyn-reling af en neem nog 'n
pil uit die dosie uit. Maak 'n aantekening om 'n nuwe liniaal te
koop en ook om die gordyne te laat regmaak. Vee die stukke glas en
keramiek van die beeldjies en potte op sodat jy dit later kan
weggooi.
8. Draai die blasende kat in 'n groot handdoek toe en laat jou
maat Bo-op die kat lę of sit, sodat net die kat se kop uitsteek
onder jou armholte.
Suig die pil met 'n strooitjie op en forseer die blęrrie kat se
bek oop. Blaas die pil, deur die strooitjie, in die kat se keel af.
9. Lees die pamflet deur, om te sien of die pille skadeloos vir
mense is en drink 'n koue bier om die smaak uit jou mond uit te
kry.
Ontsmet jou maat se arm, sit salf op die wond en draai 'n verband
om.
Verwyder die bloedvlekke van die vloer.
10. Gaan haal die f@#$%^ kat uit die buurman se garage, neem nog
'n pilletjie uit die boks en drink nog 'n bier. Sit jou kat in die
klerekas sodat net sy kop uitsteek. Forseer sy bek oop en skiet
die pil met 'n kettie in sy keel af.
11. Gaan haal die skroewedraaier uit die garage en hang die
kasdeur terug op sy skaniere. Soek die whisky bottel, neem 'n
groot sluk en ontsmet die krapmerke op jou wange. Maak seker of
jou tetanus-inspuiting nog geldig is.
Gooi jou stukkende trui in die drom en gaan trek 'n ou overall aan.
12 Bel die brandweer om die Satan-helskat uit die boom uit te kom
haal. Vra jou buurman om verskoning vir die taalgebruik en neem
die laaste pil uit die dosie.
13. "Tape" beide voorvoete van die tierkat aan mekaar vas met duct
tape.
Bind hom stewig aan die poot van die eetkamer-tafel vas met 'n
stuk ankertou.
Trek jou welding-gloves aan, druk die pil in 'n stukkie vleis en
gooi 'n groot glas vol water. Hou die Klein w@#$%%^ se kop
agteroor, gooi die vleis in, gevolg deur die hele glas water, hou
sy bek toe vir 5 minute.
14. Neem die bottle whisky en drink hom leeg. Vra jou maat om jou,
so gou moontlik, by Ongevalle te kry, want jy word al lighoofdig
van die bloedverlies. Laat hulle jou vingers en voor-arm vas werk
en die laaste pil uit jou oog uit verwyder. Bel onderweg vir
Hyperama om 'n nuwe eetkamer-tafel te bestel.
15. Bel ook die SPCA om te reël dat hulle die gemuteerde
satanskind van 'n helkat kom haal en stop by die Petshop om te vra
of hulle nie dalk Klein hamsters het nie.
HOE OM 'n HOND 'n
PIL TE GEE:
Draai dit in 'n stukkie ham toe.
Sent in by
Ria De Klerk
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose
height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please
note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow,
try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
--canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:
To All Non- Pet Owners Who Visit & Like
to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than
kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train (except: Terrior's and Shih Tsu's )
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Sent in by
Laurett Russo
What is a
Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Sent in by
Tanya Nespor
Send in by Danielle O'Callaghan
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and
said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything
you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I
lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would
like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy
pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and
they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the
gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could
just have some little roller skates, we would not have to
run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful
little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He
found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently
awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have
you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so
happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little
Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
Sent in by Johan Groenewald
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