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Cats & Computers

| December 28, 2011

Access Control
How to keep the dogs out of the cat food and how to keep the cats out of the human food

Access Denied
Doors & windows closed

Active X
The kitten that is screaming around the room at such as pace that you are unable to make a quick identification

Aliases

Your registered name vs. your everyday name

Backup

The art of taking another cat with you when you go to beat up on the dog

BIOS (Basic Instincts Of Survival)
A very important course to be learned by kittens, skills to be mastered include the rules of Microsoft, reading the menu and what to do in Relaxed Armchair Mode (RAM) and Random Operating Mode (ROM)

Bold
That stage of kittenhood when you just have to explore what lies beyond your bedroom door

Booted
A process that follows C- mail and Cursor, usually accompanied by flying footwear

Briefcase
A perfect nap spot, which must be prepared by clawing up papers

CAD

Cat aided design, a cat’s assistance in any painting project, followed by printing throughout the house

Click
The sound made by the fridge door opening, at this point it is important to check what is available to eat

C-mail
The precursor of e-mail (why do you think cats sit on back fences and yell)

Compress
A term used to describe a rather over-endowed relative of your humans squeezing you to their chest

Config.sys
The confusion that arises when your companion cat has kittens and your visits are suddenly no longer welcome

Cookies
This can have two meanings. #1 is those diet/health kibble owners try to convince you are good for your health. #2 is for those cats whose humans have gushing relatives visiting, the cookie term either involves the shift/scoot process or the compress

Crash
An event usually preceded by the Hang and followed by the Run

Cursor
A human’s response to C-mail

Cut
The art of using your nails to open the bag of new catfood (despite having a perfectly good open bag available)

Device

The problem a cat has when it is addicted to catnip

Details
All you see of kittens when they are busy at the milkbar

Disabling
The process of falling asleep on your human when they are reading the newspaper, effectively rendering them unable to turn the page, get up or shift position for fear of disturbing you

Disc Drive
The art of spinning your saucer to get the very last morsel of food out to indicate to your owners that you need a refill

Display
The art of lying in a strategic position, letting is all hang out … that humans find irresistible

DOS (stands for Dogs OutSide)
A good place for them, as any cat would agree

Double Click
The sound made by your humans opening and closing the fridge quickly, this usually means there is something really good that they don’t want you to have and it is up to you to find out what that could be

Download
A process similar to Output (a term used by rude cats)

Drag & drop
Process whereby a dead mouse arrives in the middle of the dining room carpet

Drivers
The humans who take you to and from shows/vets

Eject

A process that occurs after Shift and scoot haven’t worked and you find yourself sitting on the floor instead of in a chair

Embedding
Claw technique used to test software

Escape

What you do when the humans leave a window open or try to open a door

FAQ
To a Ragdoll these can be most annoying. Things like … “What cat is that? What does it eat? How big does it get?”

File Not Found
A cat’s response to “Get off the table!”, “Leave that alone”, “Stop scratching the furniture”

Floppy Discs
Why cats can pose in those extraordinary positions

Function
If we had a useful function, apart from being lap warmers, we would be dogs

Got Focus

The process of watching that last morsel on your human’s plate and wondering whether they will give it to you

Hang
What happens when you climb curtains and get your claws caught

Hardware
Tough surface such as scratchposts for sharpening claws, only to be used if humans are watching

High Contrast
A white cat playing with coal or a black cat playing with flour (paint does just as well but tends to be a bit messier to get off)

Input/Output
The process whereby nutritious food goes in one end and is disposed of by the other end

Insert
The art of adding another kitten/cat into an already full household

Internet
The fact that all cats are related, an international family network

IRQ (Interrupt ReQuest)
The process of interfering in whatever your humans are doing until they attend to your needs

Italics
What humans talk in when they find that you disposed of your breakfast and that annoying hairball in the middle of their Persian rug

Joystick
A cats tail, used as a mood indicator

Jumpers
Cats who hide on top of cupboards and leap onto unsuspecting shoulders (bare shoulders produce the best results)

Lost Focus
What happens when you realise that last morsel is the garnish

Macintosh
A good name for a Scottish Turkish Van

Master/Slave
Cat/Human relationships

Maximise
What humans try to do to you by feeding you table scraps and snacks

Menu
A list of all the cat foods, both kibble and canned, available in the stores that your owner should keep pinned to the fridge to assist you in selecting your daily requirements

Microsoft
A unit used to measure the comfort level of beds, laps, etc.

Minimise
What humans try to do to you by feeding you diet food

Motherboard
A state of mind that sets in after 3 weeks of kitten raising

Mouse
The catnip variety

Mousepad
What will happen to your house if you bring in live mice

Optical Mouse
The real kind that you view with your own eyes

Pirate
A terms used to describe a cat who despite the best of breeding refuses to conform with breed standards

Plug & Play
That wonderful purring sound that comes after a kitten has found Mom’s full teat

Printing
The art of placing paw prints on clean washing or car windows

Programming
What a kitten has to do to a new owner before they are fit to live with. This should include areas such as food, treats, beds, etc.

Prompt
Similar to the above but involves the use of claws

RAM (Relaxed Armchair Mode)
The position you assume to watch TV with the humans

Read Only
A process whereby the strongest tom in the neighbourhood marks his territory and all lesser cats had better not even think of doing the same

Recycle Bin
Humans call them dogs, used for disposal of unwanted cat food

Registry
The place that keeps details of our parents and grandparents

ROM (Random Operating Mode)
This usually occurs when the humans are not paying any attention to you. In this mode scratch on valuable antiques, yell to be let in and then yell to be let out, leap around aimlessly … all are considered acceptable

Remote Administration
Using mental telepathy and filthy looks to train your humans

Run
Something that every intelligent cat should do when food is being offered

Scanner

The cat that sits

Screensaver
The art of walking between the human and the computer screen. This saves your human looking at the boring computer screen and ensures they look at you instead

Security
That warm snugly feeling when your human gathers you in their arms and tells you YOU are the best cat in the world

Shift
A rude term used by humans to get you to move off your (their) chair

Signature
That distinctive shaggy look that all your carpets and furniture should display

Software
Delicate surfaces, i.e. lace or silk, suitable for sharpening claws humans are not watching

Sticky Keys
What results when you drag your butt on the keyboard

System Cleanup
Why a cat must have grass in their diet

Technical Assistance/Help Desk
A fancy term used so we don’t suspect we are being taken to the VET!

Template
What the breed standard says you should have, what you didn’t get

This program has committed an illegal operation and will now be shut down
The state you go into when your human tries to con you by putting medication in your food. Much sulking and refusal to co-operate with even the most basic requests should accompany this

Timeout
Something that goes with Booting, involving flying alarm clocks

Tools
Claws, teeth, purring, anything that helps you dominate your home

Trojan
That one kitten in the litter that makes you query its parentage

Upgrade
Changing to a premium brand of catfood or moving on to adult food

Windows Explorer
A kitten climbing the curtains, often followed by the Hang

Compiled by Pie & Skye
Ruth Hine, South Africa
(c)2002

Sent in by Raglin Ragdolls


Category: Feline Resources

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